he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was CRYING into my vagina
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
