forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
