I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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