Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
