When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
