keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize