I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
