I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
