just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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