Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You can't special order awesome
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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