I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
