I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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