this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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