Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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