i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
