your room smells of hookers.
And success
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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