I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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