I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
