Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
