But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
