I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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