What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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