is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
