Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize