Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize