piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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