Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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