He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
