Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
