When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
