I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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