Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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