every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
