just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
