So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
