ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
