Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
