vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
