Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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