Your face is a jimmy john
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
