Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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