i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Blood and glitter go together right?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
