Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
