like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
