i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize