yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
