No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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