Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is this like a preordered booty call?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
