Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
