My friends, they love my intelligence
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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