theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
