i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
