Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
