He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
