If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
