why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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