He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
