now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
