you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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