She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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