i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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