Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
