meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
